You know what I'm talking about, don't you? Barbie, that solid bastion of femininity that was the epitome of desire for every man from Big Josh and Johnny West to GI Joe, is leaving Ken. Even Evel Knievel could occasionally be seen courting her in the living rooms of little kids around the world. Every man worth his weight in plastic or rubber wanted her but Barbie's heart belonged to Ken.
Oh there were clues over the years: "Have you heard Mattel is releasing Divorce Barbie? She comes in a box with everything Ken used to own." It's not so funny anymore, is it?
Ken was Barbie's rock: her entire life was built around him and he made no secret of the fact that Mattel made had made them for each other. They became a couple 43 years ago and it was a relationship that would last for an eternity. Or so we thought.
In a time when celebrity marriages are measured in weeks or days (or hours in the case of Britney Spears) we all knew Ken and Barbie would last forever because their relationship was not one built on stardom or how good they looked together. Their relationship was built on a foundation of solid injection-molded plastic that would take 50,000 years to disintegrate.
You would think that after 43 years of bliss, Barbie would show a little more consideration to the man who helped make her what she is today. It was Ken who went into debt up to his eyeballs to buy that pink Corvette and it was Ken who bought her the jogging shorts and sports bra so she could keep in shape. Little did he know that one day while jogging in those very clothes, she would run across an Australian boogie boarding beach bum named Blaine that would destroy Ken's entire world.
According to Barbie's publicist at Mattel, "like other celebrity couples, their Hollywood romance has come to an end." He said the pair will "remain friends."
Friends? When was the last time we saw Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman at a party? Or Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck? Or Demi Moore and Bruce Willis? How about Lisa Marie and Nicolas Cage? Or Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson? Or Lisa Marie and...You get the point.
You just know that next week we're going to see Blaine in the Corvette that Ken is still making payments on.
Will Ken be able to move on? Will Ken fall into the arms of Skipper? I hope not. He doesn't need to have anything to do with Barbie's sister. How about Kelly? Most of the women Ken meets are rather phony and almost plastic. He could probably meet someone at a dollar store but the girls hanging around there are... well, cheap. Is Ken destined to live out his remaining days in relative obscurity at the bottom of an old toy box?
How can Barbie just walk away from Ken? Why couldn't Mattel release a Therapist Pete or Marriage Councilor Mary? I can't help but wonder if there is a Judge Judy in Mattel's future.
This just proves that none of us is immune to it. If Babs can lock Ken out of the house, then none of us should be surprised if we come home to find the locks changed and a goof with a tan in the passenger side of the 'Vette.
I bet Ken is regretting the days when she talked him into wearing those silly tie-dyed shirts and platform shoes.
One really needs to wonder how long this has been going on. Is that Blaine in the background on the box of NASCAR Barbie? Come to think of it, California Barbie sure looked happy even though Brain Surgeon Ken was busy trying to put the head back on my… err… I mean my sisters Farrah Fawcett doll.
Are there any JAG action figures? I hope so because Ken needs a good lawyer.
Any woman in the toy box can see that Firefighter Ken is a good man. He certainly doesn't deserve to be just tossed onto a sale table by someone who used to be known as Disco Barbie.
